It's all about love

Many people who reject the notion of polyamory sometimes, even halfway into hearing the description, do so with the dismissive statement "It's all about sex", accompanied by a frown and disapproving look!!

Everybody's truth about polyamory is different, but the word in itself literally means "many love" and in the world I live in, love certainly is the main factor.

Now monogamy may certainly be mainstream, more socially acceptable and by many considered to be the "moral high ground". It seems to work for some people, but judging by the divorce and infidelity statistics it appears to not be an overly successful way to live, despite its popularity. 

However, to many of us it just doesn't make sense.

When we are born we are allowed, yes encouraged even, to love our parents equally. My children love 3 parents. When their step dad came along they were allowed to love him as well as their biological father without having to choose between them. If you have more than one child, you are allowed ( in fact expected) to love them all 100% and love them equally.

So why, when we love as adults, are we forced to choose one and only one person for the rest of our ENTIRE lives?
And if at any time we feel love or attraction towards someone else, we are forced to choose, often leaving a trail of wreckage, broken hearts and broken children behind.

Every other aspect of our lives would indicate that we 
are hard wired for multiple love and those of us living in   polyamory are simply acknowledging that fact in our relationships.

I am not trying to convert anyone away from monogamy.

You know I have said many times that I respect that everyone walks their own path, but as my path is constantly under fire I do feel the need to explain:

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE

There are so many ways to "do" polyamory that it would take a whole book to define them and even then so much would be missed. There is a lot of terminology which I am still trying to wrap my own head around.  I have also discovered that as soon as you use a known term, people make an assumption that may not be completely accurate. 

All I feel qualified to do is to tell you about the poly that is my truth.

And if this is the only article you have read about polyamory bear in mind it will not qualify you to say "oh yes, I know about polyamory "!! (I had a counsellor once who dismissed it as "that threesome thing" because she read an article about it in a magazine once). 

For us it all started with a very simple statement made by my husband after I came to him with the life altering news that I was actually a lesbian, but did not want to leave him. 

Long before we had even heard of polyamory this beautiful man looked at me and said:

" We have enough love to include another person". 

It was such a pure statement which has indeed been the basis of the core value of our new relationship with one 

      "We have enough love to include other people" 

This simple statement was much more easily said than done, and the purpose behind writing this blog is to share the massive amount of new skills that we have had to learn to make it a viable reality. 

We are still learning new skills as each new scenario presents itself, but I'm going to tell you about where we are at right now. 

My house is made up of three people, my husband, myself and my son who is 24, partially verbal with autism. Both my boys are very loving, affectionate and loyal and I am lucky to have them. 

One thing that makes my marriage different is how much access other people have to my husband. 

You know that "thing" us  girls have where if we're friends with a married man we have to be so very careful about how his wife will perceive the friendship? 

Well, that simply is not a factor with us. Our friends can find a safe, cuddly, understanding male where they are free to have exactly the friendship or relationship they want and need. 

The same goes for me! Obviously being lesbian I have personal limits on my friendships with men but with women I am free to have the  relationship I choose. 

All the big questions get answered in this blog:
" Don't you get jealous"
" What if he/ she falls in love with someone else and leaves you "
" How can you call yourself a Christian " etc.. All of these are answered in separate articles but the one fact that underpins all the answers is

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE!  

Our love is so strong that we simply would never make a choice that hurts the other.

Both of us have been asked by a woman to " get rid of" the other but the answer is always no. The answer comes from whichever one of us was asked  NOT the partner because we don't need to govern each other's friendships and relationships.

 If we choose to leave each other alone with someone else that is our choice but neither of us will ever throw the other one out! 

At the end of the day if you love someone you will always want to put what they need first,  even if it means we have to sacrifice something that we perhaps want or need. 

A funny thing happens when you make a habit of doing this- the other person is highly likely to reciprocate and try to help you get your needs met! 

I read a lot of opinions in poly forums where people are advised to be true to themselves. 

We believe that our love IS about helping the other person be true to themselves. 

It takes time and self-sacrifice, but because we have a true and mature love, polyamory is a life that is ALL ABOUT LOVE!

This is a very broad overview of the philosophy that is behind our poly life. 

Like I said, everybody's poly is slightly different so I am only sharing what works for us in our relationship that started as a friendship, between two 7 year olds, a very long time ago. 

Stay tuned for more articles on the "how to's " of the skills that we are learning in order to navigate the tricky waters of this life. 

Blood is not thicker than water

My journey into alternative relationship styles would not be well rounded if I ignored the elephant in the room. That thing that shapes our very early perception of relationships and in most cases determines how we do life. FAMILY.

Family for me, overall, is not a positive word. The biggest hurts in my life have come from my blood relatives and blood relatives of the 2 people I have married. This is true of those closest to me too. I have witnessed so much pain being inflicted on people I love...It's heartbreaking.

So, what happens when our culture tells us"blood is thicker than water" and "if your family doesn't love you, who will"? It leaves many people feeling like there is no hope of being loved in this "magical special way"  that they've  heard about but never experienced.

This year my journey of self discovery led me to believe that everyone is free to walk their own path and are responsible for their own choices. As people come and go they may share our path for a time but ultimately the factors keeping them there should be entirely their own choices. We rejoice in time spent with someone as their path lines up with us but wish them well when their journey diverges. It's our responsibility to surround ourselves with people who will enrich our lives and reinforce our positive choices.

I simply could not apply this to love relationships and friendships and ignore family, the primary influence of all our relationships.

There is no choice in family.
You are born there.
You are stuck there no matter what they do to you.
Right??

WRONG!!!

If every other relationship in our life is a choice why shouldn't family be?

Granted we do have certain obligations, to children who are underage and adults who are disabled. But that's really where the obligation ends. As adults we should assess  all our relationships and ensure they are heathy and positive so that we can maintain an emotionally stable life. This is OUR responsibility. No one is going to do it for us. And just because someone is related does not mean that you have to include them in your life.

Let's take a step back for a moment. Imagine you have a friend with an emotionally abusive partner. They tell you story after story of how this person makes them feel  and it's pretty much all bad. Your advice? Easy!! " You should definitely leave- you deserve so much better ".
Now, a friend with an emotionally abusive parent. They tell you story after story of how this parent makes them feel  and it's pretty much all bad. Your advice? " Ohhh.. This is not good...but....it's your Dad" (or Mum)....and the sentence trails off accompanied but a sigh and a shrug.

Is anyone else seeing the inequity in this? Why on earth do you we "deserve the best" in our friendships and relationships and then have to settle for pain and hurt in our families.

We hear the word "love" a lot when people talk about families, but rarely the word "like".
Likability is so important in an ongoing adult relationship.
Why would you have someone in your life that you don't like?

I feel lucky that I like some of my family as people. And especially lucky that I like both of my adult children ( and I think they like me too!!). My son is non-verbal and autistic so I'm really just talking about my daughter now . But if she didn't like me I would not expect her to stay in a relationship with me out of obligation. Knowing that she choose to be in a relationship with me leaves me feeling way more special than thinking she is only there because she is a blood relative and she has obligations that she has to steel herself to keep.

A relative of mine recently told me she can no longer be in a relationship with me. Estrangement from family members (or family in-law) is not unfamiliar to me. In my life I've experienced it probably more than an average amount. However, this is the first time I have handled it well. This was my response ( it was a text conversation )
" I don't subscribe to the " family is everything " mindset. If I love you I love you, related or not. And I do love you xx But everyone has their own journey so if yours doesn't line up with mine I respect  that. Take care, and you know where to find me. "

I actually do respect her honesty and her decision and I am not angry, just a little sad, but not even hurt. She is taking care of herself and no-one is going to do that for her. I am not ruling out her path lining up with mine again at some time in the future. There are no closed or locked doors.

At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own path and who we choose to have in our lives is our responsibility. We need to make those choices carefully, based on our assessment of whether someone is good for us or bad for us.

Whether or not the good people in your lives are blood related or not should not make a difference.

I'll leave you with this, the original text of a very misinterpreted quote:

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”