Thursday, 11 August 2016

Fear not

As much as polyamory is about a life filled with  lots of people I have discovered that the most important person in this life needs to be yourself. I don't mean this in a selfish or narcissistic way, rather the need for a deep self awareness of the person you are bringing to these relationships.
I used to be full of fear, literally terrified that every time my first husband left the house that he might die in a car accident or something and not come home. I honestly believed I couldn't live without him. I mistook this for a very deep love. I did love him but this level borders more on obsession and it was very unhealthy. Looking back on it I'm pretty sure this fear strangled the life out of our relationship. Nothing kills love like being "clung to" and eventually he left me.
What happened next was that I discovered that not only could I live without him but that I could be happy again.
This was a valuable lesson for me and I will never again believe that I can't live without someone,  no matter how amazing they are.
We get set up by the societal expectation that one person will be everything to us and if we find "the one" we will never want for anything again. It's quite natural, if this was indeed true, that once we found this person we would be afraid of losing them.
The Star Wars character Yoda has several quotes about fear, the most famous being "fear leads to anger..anger leads to hate..hate leads to suffering"
This is so true. When we operate from a place of fear we suffer,  and so do the people we love as we project all our insecurities and jealousies onto them and expect them to fix us. The responsibility of proving they love us enough is dumped on them and they lose their freedom to express love the way that they naturally want to.
Before entering into polyamorous relationships we need to ask ourselves if we can live without them. This might seem counterintuitive but there will most certainly  be times when we are not the centre of attention and we need to be prepared for that. Jealousy and insecurity are bi-products of fear and they make life very uncomfortable, putting pressure on our partners and their partners.
Funnily enough when your partners are just free to love (without them feeling like they have holes to patch ) that love can be so very powerful.
I haven't spoken much about my faith yet, but I believe that God is the perfect example of love.
1 John 4:18 says " There is no fear in love,  but perfect love casts out fear"
Imagine a world like this!  I do believe it's possible!!!


  1. There is nothing to fear but fear itself .. Winston Churchill (I think)

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  3. So true!
    As a primary emotion it sure can lead to damaging things.