Blood is not thicker than water

My journey into alternative relationship styles would not be well rounded if I ignored the elephant in the room. That thing that shapes our very early perception of relationships and in most cases determines how we do life. FAMILY.

Family for me, overall, is not a positive word. The biggest hurts in my life have come from my blood relatives and blood relatives of the 2 people I have married. This is true of those closest to me too. I have witnessed so much pain being inflicted on people I love...It's heartbreaking.

So, what happens when our culture tells us"blood is thicker than water" and "if your family doesn't love you, who will"? It leaves many people feeling like there is no hope of being loved in this "magical special way"  that they've  heard about but never experienced.

This year my journey of self discovery led me to believe that everyone is free to walk their own path and are responsible for their own choices. As people come and go they may share our path for a time but ultimately the factors keeping them there should be entirely their own choices. We rejoice in time spent with someone as their path lines up with us but wish them well when their journey diverges. It's our responsibility to surround ourselves with people who will enrich our lives and reinforce our positive choices.

I simply could not apply this to love relationships and friendships and ignore family, the primary influence of all our relationships.

There is no choice in family.
You are born there.
You are stuck there no matter what they do to you.
Right??

WRONG!!!

If every other relationship in our life is a choice why shouldn't family be?

Granted we do have certain obligations, to children who are underage and adults who are disabled. But that's really where the obligation ends. As adults we should assess  all our relationships and ensure they are heathy and positive so that we can maintain an emotionally stable life. This is OUR responsibility. No one is going to do it for us. And just because someone is related does not mean that you have to include them in your life.

Let's take a step back for a moment. Imagine you have a friend with an emotionally abusive partner. They tell you story after story of how this person makes them feel  and it's pretty much all bad. Your advice? Easy!! " You should definitely leave- you deserve so much better ".
Now, a friend with an emotionally abusive parent. They tell you story after story of how this parent makes them feel  and it's pretty much all bad. Your advice? " Ohhh.. This is not good...but....it's your Dad" (or Mum)....and the sentence trails off accompanied but a sigh and a shrug.

Is anyone else seeing the inequity in this? Why on earth do you we "deserve the best" in our friendships and relationships and then have to settle for pain and hurt in our families.

We hear the word "love" a lot when people talk about families, but rarely the word "like".
Likability is so important in an ongoing adult relationship.
Why would you have someone in your life that you don't like?

I feel lucky that I like some of my family as people. And especially lucky that I like both of my adult children ( and I think they like me too!!). My son is non-verbal and autistic so I'm really just talking about my daughter now . But if she didn't like me I would not expect her to stay in a relationship with me out of obligation. Knowing that she choose to be in a relationship with me leaves me feeling way more special than thinking she is only there because she is a blood relative and she has obligations that she has to steel herself to keep.

A relative of mine recently told me she can no longer be in a relationship with me. Estrangement from family members (or family in-law) is not unfamiliar to me. In my life I've experienced it probably more than an average amount. However, this is the first time I have handled it well. This was my response ( it was a text conversation )
" I don't subscribe to the " family is everything " mindset. If I love you I love you, related or not. And I do love you xx But everyone has their own journey so if yours doesn't line up with mine I respect  that. Take care, and you know where to find me. "

I actually do respect her honesty and her decision and I am not angry, just a little sad, but not even hurt. She is taking care of herself and no-one is going to do that for her. I am not ruling out her path lining up with mine again at some time in the future. There are no closed or locked doors.

At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own path and who we choose to have in our lives is our responsibility. We need to make those choices carefully, based on our assessment of whether someone is good for us or bad for us.

Whether or not the good people in your lives are blood related or not should not make a difference.

I'll leave you with this, the original text of a very misinterpreted quote:

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

Jealousy is not a measure of love

Something people say to me often when they hear about my relationship choice is " Oh I just couldn't do that. I love him (her) too much to share. I just get so jealous!! " 

In the early early days this used to stump me because it actually implies that my partners are loved less because I am not jealous which is highly inaccurate! But I hadn't yet formulated a response whereby to explain my position. It is so acceptable in our culture to measure love by jealousy that people question what might be "wrong " with a non jealous person. 

 Jealousy is actually rooted in fear, not love. 

If we believe we have found "the one" mate that will save us and meet all of our needs forever we will be fearful if they form another connection that could threaten this. 

This fear and insecurity manifests as jealousy. Our feelings, if based in an "ownership" type of love cause us to jealously guard our mate's every word, move and sometimes even thought in an effort to ensure we keep that "top spot" that we believe we are entitled to. 

And whilst we're priding ourselves on being "so in love that we're jealous" we are actually locking our partner in a state of being that resembles a cage or a prison. Not ideal. 

So what is the answer?

What is the alternative to jealousy? 

The answer is a word I'd never actually heard before poly but is certainly not owned by polyamory -compersion. 

Wiktionary.org defines compersion as such:

compersion ‎(noun)

1. The feeling of joy one has experiencing another's joy, such as in witnessing a toddler's joy and feeling joy in response.
2. The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

I remember being so happy when my oldest child found a friend who was just like her. The girls played with their beanie toys making up stories for hours. Prior to that she had been alone in this pastime as the other girls were prematurely moving on to an obsession with hair, makeup and fashion. Watching her go from being alone to finding a true and happy connection filled me with a joy so strong I can still remember it fifteen years later. 

I feel the same way anytime someone I love enjoys a meaningful connection with, or is loved by someone else. 

I don't for a minute think that I can meet all of my husbands needs all of the time. Even if I didn't have some health issues and a special needs child it would be very egotistical of me to believe that I could be the only thing he needs. I also know he has not had as much love as he deserves in his lifetime so far and so my wish for him is that he be surrounded by as many people who love him as possible. 

So when he gets to go out and do things that I don't have skills or energy for I am happy for him. And when he is surrounded by love and cuddles it brings me so much joy it's amazing. 

If  compersion doesn't come easily to you it is a skill than can be learnt. Some people are just naturally jealous by nature but like anything it doesn't have to rule your behaviour. 

By working on your fears, your insecurities and teaching yourself a new way to love (without wanting to own) it will become one easier for you to want see your loved ones receiving happiness from any source. 

When I first come out as bi/poly to people they ask me the same set of questions. Because this has happened so many times I can now joke about them as my FAQS!  And because I've answered them so many times this has now become a very fast exchange.

"How do you you share your husband!" Because he's not my property to share. He is a free person.

"What if he falls in love with someone else" That would be awesome I hope she falls in love with him too.

"But what if  he leaves you for her?" He won't. He doesn't need to he's able to be in love with more than one person at a time.

"But what if he leaves you anyway?" Then I would be happy for him if he was happy because ultimately I love him and want him to be happy.

"Really?" (the interrogator usually sounding incredulous by this point!) Yes really. If I love someone I want whatever makes them happy, even if it is not me.

(Please note if you are reading this and have been one of the people who have asked me these questions please don't feel bad I don't mind in the slightest!! The questions have forced me to articulate answers and now I am able to share this as a result)

So...the bottom line:

If you love someone with a pure love that is focused on their happiness rather than your own, it is very difficult to feel jealous as that would be begrudging them of their joy. 

Funnily enough, when you are the recipient of this kind of love the last thing from your mind is anything which knowingly hurts the one giving you that love. It's really a win/win.

 https://m.facebook.com/therelationshipsevolution/

It's so easy to lose yourself

This entry began on a plane as I was listening to a Missy Higgins album. The very first song from the album 'On a Clear Night' was called 'Where I Stood' and the line that jumped out at me was "coz I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should "

I have been there before. After 18 years in one relationship ( from aged 18 to 36) I woke up one day when it was over, looked in the mirror and realised that I had no idea who I was anymore. The clothes I wore, the way I did my hair, even the food I ate were all bi-products of me compromising so much of my natural evolution in a desperate attempt to stay compatible with the person I made vows to fresh out of childhood. The reality of that is had we not made those " to death do us part " vows we would have both outgrown that relationship in another 2 or years or so.

Again I thank him again for having the courage to set us both free because that was the event that led to me going in search of my true self.

My initial email to Jason whom I had been friends with since aged 7 but had no contact with for those 18 years went like this :
"Hi Jason do you remember me? And if you do remember me do you remember what I used to be like because the events of the last 18 have changed me so much I don't know who I am anymore"
Luckily he did remember me!! Not only that but he was in a similar boat to me so we set about helping each other find our " old selves" and have then gone on to support each other as we keep evolving in a manner that stays true to ourselves.

Living within ownership love we run the risk of compromising  so much of our natural evolution in a desperate attempt to stay compatible with the person we have vowed to stay connected to. I've basically repeated this sentence because I feel it is the key to my message in this entry.

So what is our "natural evolution" ?
Life Is full of choices, from little things like what we are going to eat and wear, what our hobbies and interests are , to major things like where we want to work and live.
Some of us change our mind a lot!! My "Facebook memories" remind me that this time last year I was joined at the hip to my sewing machine, the year before it was my guitar and this year I'm busy writing  online about polyamory and also progressive Christianity. If we are still alive we are growing and changing.

Natural evolution is unencumbered growth.
We tend to chain ourselves to a lot of "have to" and much of this is in an attempt to stay on the same page as the person with which we have joined ourself. We forget that the person we are with was attracted to us because of our uniqueness and we strive to either stay the same as we were or the same as they are. This can cause us to make seemingly "little" sacrifices which have the danger of adding up to a complete loss of self outside of that relationship.

Now of course we do have some responsibilities, especially when we have young children. I for one have an adult non verbal son with significant autism who lives with me full time so I am not just free to take off around Australia like I would love to. But within those responsibilities we still have choices and we owe it to ourselves to live a life in keeping with most authentic self we are at the time.

Assuming from this point on that this rings true for you I have the following advice:

For those of you who are single try to avoid trapping yourselves into relationships that stunt your ability to be your true self. This might sound obvious but it never ceases to amaze me when a friend decides that some guy is " the one" even though he cannot live with "xyz" about her and she rationalises to herself that it's all ok and she will just change for him.

For those of you in relationships already it is entirely possible to evolve your relationship, hence this blog being called "The Relationships Evolution".
All of these concepts are essential if you want to evolve your relationship to polyamory but also a much happier way to live in monogamy if that is what you choose.