Tuesday, 17 January 2017

It's all about love


Many people who reject the notion of polyamory sometimes, even halfway into hearing the description, do so with the dismissive statement "It's all about sex", accompanied by a frown and disapproving look!!

Everybody's truth about polyamory is different, but the word in itself literally means "many love" and in the world I live in, love certainly is the main factor.

Now monogamy may certainly be mainstream, more socially acceptable and by many considered to be the "moral high ground". It seems to work for some people, but judging by the divorce and infidelity statistics it appears to not be an overly successful way to live, despite its popularity. 

However, to many of us it just doesn't make sense.

When we are born we are allowed, yes encouraged even, to love our parents equally. My children love 3 parents. When their step dad came along they were allowed to love him as well as their biological father without having to choose between them. If you have more than one child, you are allowed ( in fact expected) to love them all 100% and love them equally.

So why, when we love as adults, are we forced to choose one and only one person for the rest of our ENTIRE lives?
And if at any time we feel love or attraction towards someone else, we are forced to choose, often leaving a trail of wreckage, broken hearts and broken children behind.

Every other aspect of our lives would indicate that we 
are hard wired for multiple love and those of us living in   polyamory are simply acknowledging that fact in our relationships.

I am not trying to convert anyone away from monogamy.

You know I have said many times that I respect that everyone walks their own path, but as my path is constantly under fire I do feel the need to explain:

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE

There are so many ways to "do" polyamory that it would take a whole book to define them and even then so much would be missed. There is a lot of terminology which I am still trying to wrap my own head around.  I have also discovered that as soon as you use a known term, people make an assumption that may not be completely accurate. 

All I feel qualified to do is to tell you about the poly that is my truth.

And if this is the only article you have read about polyamory bear in mind it will not qualify you to say "oh yes, I know about polyamory "!! (I had a counsellor once who dismissed it as "that threesome thing" because she read an article about it in a magazine once). 

For us it all started with a very simple statement made by my husband after I came to him with the life altering news that I was actually a lesbian, but did not want to leave him. 
Long before we had even heard of polyamory this beautiful man looked at me and said:

" We have enough love to include another person". 

It was such a pure statement which has indeed been the basis of the core value of our new relationship with one 

      "We have enough love to include other people" 

This simple statement was much more easily said than done, and the purpose behind writing this blog is to share the massive amount of new skills that we have had to learn to make it a viable reality. 

We are still learning new skills as each new scenario presents itself, but I'm going to tell you about where we are at right now. 

My house is made up of three people, my husband, myself and my son who is 24, partially verbal with autism. Both my boys are very loving, affectionate and loyal and I am lucky to have them. 

One thing that makes my marriage different is how much access other people have to my husband. 
You know that "thing" us  girls have where if we're friends with a married man we have to be so very careful about how his wife will perceive the friendship? 
Well, that simply is not a factor with us. Our friends can find a safe, cuddly, understanding male where they are free to have exactly the friendship or relationship they want and need. 
The same goes for me! Obviously being lesbian I have personal limits on my friendships with men but with women I am free to have the  relationship I choose. 

All the big questions get answered in this blog:
" Don't you get jealous"
" What if he/ she falls in love with someone else and leaves you "
" How can you call yourself a Christian " etc.. All of these are answered in separate articles but the one fact that underpins all the answers is

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE!  

Our love is so strong that we simply would never make a choice that hurts the other.

Both of us have been asked by a woman to " get rid of" the other but the answer is always no. The answer comes from whichever one of us was asked  NOT the partner because we don't need to govern each other's friendships and relationships.
 If we choose to leave each other alone with someone else that is our choice but neither of us will ever throw the other one out! 

At the end of the day if you love someone you will always want to put what they need first,  even if it means we have to sacrifice something that we perhaps want or need. 
A funny thing happens when you make a habit of doing this- the other person is highly likely to reciprocate and try to help you get your needs met! 

I read a lot of opinions in poly forums where people are advised to be true to themselves. 
We believe that our love IS about helping the other person be true to themselves. 
It takes time and self-sacrifice, but because we have a true and mature love, polyamory is a life that is ALL ABOUT LOVE!

This is a very broad overview of the philosophy that is behind our poly life. 
Like I said, everybody's poly is slightly different so I am only sharing what works for us in our relationship that started as a friendship, between two 7 year olds, a very long time ago. 
Stay tuned for more articles on the "how to's " of the skills that we are learning in order to navigate the tricky waters of this life. 

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