It's all about love

Many people who reject the notion of polyamory sometimes, even halfway into hearing the description, do so with the dismissive statement "It's all about sex", accompanied by a frown and disapproving look!!

Everybody's truth about polyamory is different, but the word in itself literally means "many love" and in the world I live in, love certainly is the main factor.

Now monogamy may certainly be mainstream, more socially acceptable and by many considered to be the "moral high ground". It seems to work for some people, but judging by the divorce and infidelity statistics it appears to not be an overly successful way to live, despite its popularity. 

However, to many of us it just doesn't make sense.

When we are born we are allowed, yes encouraged even, to love our parents equally. My children love 3 parents. When their step dad came along they were allowed to love him as well as their biological father without having to choose between them. If you have more than one child, you are allowed ( in fact expected) to love them all 100% and love them equally.

So why, when we love as adults, are we forced to choose one and only one person for the rest of our ENTIRE lives?
And if at any time we feel love or attraction towards someone else, we are forced to choose, often leaving a trail of wreckage, broken hearts and broken children behind.

Every other aspect of our lives would indicate that we 
are hard wired for multiple love and those of us living in   polyamory are simply acknowledging that fact in our relationships.

I am not trying to convert anyone away from monogamy.

You know I have said many times that I respect that everyone walks their own path, but as my path is constantly under fire I do feel the need to explain:

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE

There are so many ways to "do" polyamory that it would take a whole book to define them and even then so much would be missed. There is a lot of terminology which I am still trying to wrap my own head around.  I have also discovered that as soon as you use a known term, people make an assumption that may not be completely accurate. 

All I feel qualified to do is to tell you about the poly that is my truth.

And if this is the only article you have read about polyamory bear in mind it will not qualify you to say "oh yes, I know about polyamory "!! (I had a counsellor once who dismissed it as "that threesome thing" because she read an article about it in a magazine once). 

For us it all started with a very simple statement made by my husband after I came to him with the life altering news that I was actually a lesbian, but did not want to leave him. 

Long before we had even heard of polyamory this beautiful man looked at me and said:

" We have enough love to include another person". 

It was such a pure statement which has indeed been the basis of the core value of our new relationship with one 

      "We have enough love to include other people" 

This simple statement was much more easily said than done, and the purpose behind writing this blog is to share the massive amount of new skills that we have had to learn to make it a viable reality. 

We are still learning new skills as each new scenario presents itself, but I'm going to tell you about where we are at right now. 

My house is made up of three people, my husband, myself and my son who is 24, partially verbal with autism. Both my boys are very loving, affectionate and loyal and I am lucky to have them. 

One thing that makes my marriage different is how much access other people have to my husband. 

You know that "thing" us  girls have where if we're friends with a married man we have to be so very careful about how his wife will perceive the friendship? 

Well, that simply is not a factor with us. Our friends can find a safe, cuddly, understanding male where they are free to have exactly the friendship or relationship they want and need. 

The same goes for me! Obviously being lesbian I have personal limits on my friendships with men but with women I am free to have the  relationship I choose. 

All the big questions get answered in this blog:
" Don't you get jealous"
" What if he/ she falls in love with someone else and leaves you "
" How can you call yourself a Christian " etc.. All of these are answered in separate articles but the one fact that underpins all the answers is

         IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE!  

Our love is so strong that we simply would never make a choice that hurts the other.

Both of us have been asked by a woman to " get rid of" the other but the answer is always no. The answer comes from whichever one of us was asked  NOT the partner because we don't need to govern each other's friendships and relationships.

 If we choose to leave each other alone with someone else that is our choice but neither of us will ever throw the other one out! 

At the end of the day if you love someone you will always want to put what they need first,  even if it means we have to sacrifice something that we perhaps want or need. 

A funny thing happens when you make a habit of doing this- the other person is highly likely to reciprocate and try to help you get your needs met! 

I read a lot of opinions in poly forums where people are advised to be true to themselves. 

We believe that our love IS about helping the other person be true to themselves. 

It takes time and self-sacrifice, but because we have a true and mature love, polyamory is a life that is ALL ABOUT LOVE!

This is a very broad overview of the philosophy that is behind our poly life. 

Like I said, everybody's poly is slightly different so I am only sharing what works for us in our relationship that started as a friendship, between two 7 year olds, a very long time ago. 

Stay tuned for more articles on the "how to's " of the skills that we are learning in order to navigate the tricky waters of this life. 

How can you call yourself a Christian?

For those of you who missed episode 1 of my blog, I am a lesbian and I am happily married to a man but I call myself bisexual because people seem to find that easier to accept. We are a polyamorous couple and we are also Christians. 

 I will just take a moment here to specify that this article is not a debate on whether God exists or if organised religion is valid. If you read on hopefully it will be with the expectation that I will be talking about God as being very real to me but I totally respect that He may not be real to you. 

I was raised in a half Catholic half Anglican family and from a young age felt a call of God on my life to be an instrument of His love and peace. As an adult I changed denominations to the Assemblies of God (Pentecostal) and I went to Bible college and trained as a pastor. I then worked as a youth pastor for several years.

When I came out as lesbian two and a half years ago I think most people expected me to drop my faith. Then, when we came to the realisation that polyamory was indeed the way to keep our marriage intact, the question hung over me like a cloud:

 "So how do you still call yourself a Christian?"

For a long time  I didn't actually know how to answer this question. I had belonged to Churches which clearly preached that homosexuality was wrong and although deep down I never agreed (I think part of me must have always known I was gay) I had never challenged the status quo. 

After awhile I could no longer avoid the question so I went to God, whom I always feel speaks to me, and I went back to the book that I had studied so well, the Bible. 

The conclusions I have come to are controversial and I'm pretty sure that readers from my old life and in fact many others will emphatically disagree but here goes...

One of the biggest criticisms levied at the Bible is the fact that it contradicts itself often and quite dramatically. As a believer it is very hard to argue with this as it is actually true. Lately I feel God is showing me that those contradictions are there for a reason. This actually makes sense. If we are to believe that the Bible is the divine inspired word of God then how can anything be an accident? 

I believe in a God that is big enough to see that we are all very different from one another. Taking this into account there really can be no 'one right way' to Him.  Many paths are laid out, often contradicting each other, but all appearing to be the 'right way'. I believe that this is to account for these differences.

If the diversity in human nature is infinite, 
shouldn't the path to God contain infinite possibilities?  

Think about the logic in this for a minute. 

People do not fit into a neat box with regard to so many things and yet churches expect us to fit in a closed pre-defined box when it comes to our relationship with God. 

The longer I think on this the more crazy it sounds! 

Provided we live our life with integrity and are earnestly seeking God we will have a relationship with Him. He will meet us where we are. If God is love and we are seeking that love He will not withhold it from us lest he contradict the very nature of His being. 

The issue that divides us- SIN

The concept of 'sin' is interesting. I have discovered that sin is something that separates us from feeling God's love. If we are seeking to be in relationship with Him he will convict us personally if we do something that separates us from His love. I have always described this as my 'Holy Spirit conscience'. I do get rather annoyed that there are some things I don't seem to get away with that other people do, but by the same token there are things in my life that I know God sanctions that other people feel I shouldn't get away with. At the end of the day it is very individual. Sin is something that separates us from God and due to our diversity our 'lists' are all going to look very different. 

This is why I believe that sin should not be legislated into a global list. 

What ends up happening is that Churches create a list,  then the lists are used to exclude people ( from fellowship but also from the list holders' definition of salvation). The list becomes dangerous as people tell each other that God cannot possibly accept them due to their huge number of failings.

The list becomes a weapon of judgement in the hands of humans who are supposed to be an instrument of peace.
The contradictions in the Bible pale in comparison to the discrepancies in the lists believe you me!  It ends up being ridiculous.

Jesus himself scrapped the 10 commandments and told us " Love God, love each other " . 

It's a simple concept to follow. Churches  choose to complicate it with way too much doctrine. 

As I have been saying, we are each responsible for our own path. That means we are each responsible for our own walk with God, if we choose to have one. 

Being LGBT and polyamorous does not diminish my capability to love God and love others. In fact, I think it increases it. After all God is the perfect model of an all inclusive love! He loves us as if we were the only person in the world regardless of our sexual preference or relationship choices. This is exactly how we should love each other.

For those of you waiting for me to quote the Bible I don't plan on doing so. 

But I will give you something.

Firstly, Jesus did not speak on homosexuality and if you read the Gospels carefully he did tend to summarise the main points of the Bible quite well.  

Secondly, the Bible lays out three relationship styles, polyamory, monogamy and celibacy. The 'great men of God' from the Old Testament had multiple wives and this practice was never denounced, nor were they demoted from their status of godliness when Jesus and the apostles spoke of them. 

So my conclusion is this:

People who presume to speak on God's behalf should be avoided. 

God speaks to us directly. 

It is that simple.

And this is how I still call myself a Christian!


*Because there are so many LGBT and Poly people all over the world who have been rejected by Churches I have started a closed group for poly people who are Bible believing  ( including Jewish,  Messianic Jews and Christians ) 

If you want to be part of some uplifting discussions please join us by clicking the link below. All of us there have grasped the concept of non judgmental faith. If this is not for you please disregard. 

Bible Believing Polyamory